The Obnoxious Gargoyle

The Obnoxious Gargoyle

By Ruby Lee

You would think that having an otherworldly companion would be in the very least interesting. Let me tell you, it’s not. I don’t care what anyone else thinks about it.

Some people would disagree with me. Those people are usually the types sporting a small, pleasant faerie around with them.

Many a presumptuous braggart leading a harmless but curious ghost around will say, “Oh come now, it can’t be that bad! My companion helps me all the time!”

As if I were exaggerating.

None of those people are stricken with the curse I am. The curse of an obnoxious

Gargoyle. None of them are like me.

---

I still remember the moment I met him with sharp clarity. I was sitting in a park one day, existentially depressed, and contemplating a short walk off a long drop into the nearby river. I had chosen my spot, overlooking very fast moving water. I had been depressed my entire life and had reached a point where anything was better than the continued pain of a meaningless existence. I was sitting on a bench, partaking of a particularly cheap and gut twisting bottle of booze, watching the currents sweep by when it happened.

“Excuse me. What’s your name?” a voice asked.

If you ever meet an otherworldly creature. Never.tell.them.your.name.

“I am Constance,” I replied thoughtlessly.

“Say Constance, do you like apples?” the voice next to me asked.

“Sure, I like apples,” I grunted noncommittally.

In my drunken haze I didn’t bother to look at who was speaking to me.

“Well good, cause you’re stuck with me. How about them apples?” the voice cackled.

That’s when I turned and first beheld him. He was a shocking sight. Small, about the size of a cat, chubby, with little wings that made the most curious leathery flapping noise. The creatures voice was adenoidal and piercing. The kind that cuts right through ones skull like a hot knife through soft gouda. His base expression was one of sneering disapproval or as I now call it, “Resting Gargoyle Face.”

“I’m Semurid. That’s pronounced SEM-UR-ID, “ he stated with a firm nod.

“SEM-UR-ID” I said.

“Good. Now we’ve exchanged names. That makes this whole transaction good and official,” he proclaimed proudly.

I responded with confusion, “Wait a moment. What transaction? What do you mean I am stuck with you?”

He rubbed his furry potbelly and grinned a sinister grin.

“You were about to commit a sin. Were you not?” Semurid inquired.

I had no choice but to tell him the truth.

“I was thinking about it, yes," I said flatly. I discreetly wiped an errant tear leaking from my eye.

Semurid nodded and scooched himself closer to me on the bench. I slid away but he slid closer.

“Well you see, that’s how these things work. If you are happened upon by an otherworldly creature while in the midst of committing a mortal sin you become bonded with them,” he said nodding with false solemnity.

“Do I have a choice?” I ask with a scrunched brow.

“I’m afraid not,” Semurid responded.

“Well isn’t that just shit,” I sighed.

“Try to look on the bright side. Now you’ll never be lonely again. Oh and you can't die,“ he said, reaching out to pat my shoulder consolingly.

“What if I like being alone?” I shot back.

“I would say you were a liar,” he chirped.

“Say, do you like jokes?” Semurid then asked.

“Not really,” I moaned.

“Well too bad. What do you get when you mix a rooster and a cellphone?”

I tried to ignore him but he wouldn’t let me.

“What do you get when you mix a rooster and a cellphone?” he insisted again.

I groaned, “Fine. What?”

He grinned as he said, “A cock that sends pics of ITSELF!!!”

He roared with laughter. I did not.

“That’s an awful joke,” I said after he quieted down.

“What do you know about comedy? You were about to kill yourself,” Semurid sneered.

“How many Pollacks does it take to plug in a light blub?” he asked.

I rolled my eyes and plugged my ears but his voice appeared inside my head.

“How many Pollacks does it take???” he insisted.

I screamed, "I don’t know! 10000?” I cried out loud, unplugging my ears and waving him away.

I jumped up and ran a short way down the path before leaning on the railing. I looked over it to the river with sudden and intense longing. He appeared on my shoulder in a puff of acrid smoke.

“It won’t work. The Gods have other plans for you,” he warned with a firm nod.

I ignored him and vaulted the railing, feeling a momentarily sickening feeling in my stomach as I started to drop. I longed for the shock of the wintery cold water and the undercurrents lethal pull. Instead of hitting the water, to my chagrin, I somehow wound up plopping back onto the bench where I had started.

“Save us both the trouble of trying that again. It won’t work. I just told you. The Gods have other plans for you.”

“Oh, and what would those be?” I inquired with sarcasm.

Semurid ignored me and instead jumped back to his punchline.

“I don’t know how many Pollacks it takes. None of you have figured out how to get to done yet!” he roared, holding his gut and bellowing with mirth.

I groaned. I have been groaning ever since.

“Awful,” I said.

He ignored me.

And that’s how it is. I still haven’t figured out what the God’s want from me. I continue to live. I continue to be plagued by a foul little monster with a dreadful sense of humor.

Instead of peace I have Semurid. He's always with me. He always chides me when I try to off myself and trust me I have tried it all. I would do anything and everything to get away from the little shithead by my side. Traffic, poison, jumps off of things, a noose, fire, a bullet, you name it. But I just keep winding up back on that bench again. I just keep winding up forced to hear yet another horrid joke. I still haven't laughed.

I learned something valuable though. One should never try to commit suicide. Get therapy, take meds, do anything. Just do yourself a favor and don't wind up cursed for an eternity with an obnoxious gargoyle.

The End